It's been quite long time since the flu and we are both feeling much better. Actually, better than in a very long time. A number of positive things have happened: I went away to Sedona for a week as a part of my yoga teacher training, for one thing. It was absolutely stunningly gorgeous. Every morning I woke up with the sun and from my window could see the magnificent red rocks speckled with green vegetation, the contrast and the sheer magnitude breathtaking. Then I did two hours of yoga and meditation as the sun rose, had a leisurely and large breakfast and then lectures, more yoga, more lectures, and a hike nearly every day.
It was the first itme I took a trip on my own within the US. I always explored in Europe, Asia and Africa. So I want to get to know my native country. I'm slightly intimidated by its vastness and culture which is far more mysterious to me than Europe. New York is different, it's all squished and full of characters I can relate to. There are many states I've never even been to, like Iowa, Wyoming, Utah, Idaho, Kentucky, Washington, New Mexico, and many more. They are uncharted territory as far as I'm concerned. When I gaze upon a new one, like I did in Sedona, the landscapes shock me with their beauty.
I became close with all 28 or so people that were there with me. We all opened up as individuals and as a group in a way that I'd never experienced before. I feel as though we formed a bond that will be lasting and will bear fruit for us all as the years pass and we all develop and are able to share with each other. Each one of us is quite unique and yet we all function very well as a group.
Parts of me I didn't even know existed opened up their petals. I'm now practicing every day and teaching practice classes to my mother and Louis (Ludek has changed his name to Ludek LOUIS Straka since we started calling him by the diminutive because it's so much easier for English speakers). I feel like the yoga has given me tools that I needed to be able to face the challenges that have been coming my way with grace. I also feel like the things that I've been learning, the 'coping mechanisms' and psychological/spiritual exploration are the next level of the bodywork. What I've noticed is that people, including myself, will work through things, both physical and emotional, while they're on the massage table but then as soon as they confront a challenge that 'gets under their skin' the same patterns (sometimes with slight variation) will manifest in the emotional and physical bodies. So there has to be a way to protect the 'skin' of these two bodies in order to maintain inner balance. We walk out into the world, which is chock full of challenges and potentially dangerous and negative situations, yet we leave the emotional body unprotected and the physical body seizes up in an effort to protect us from being permeated. It's like walking around all day on the beach in August without sunscreen or a sun hat----you get burned. The skin reacts to the damage caused by the lack of protection by becoming red and painful and the damage takes much longer to undo than to form in the first place, sometimes the scars are there for life despite all the aloe vera in the world. Like the painful irritation of a sun burn, the physical body forms layers that are painful to the touch. As these layers are broken down, the physical body begins to feel more free, however, even if we talk through the underlying emotions and acknowledge them, unless we have some way of protecting ourselves from the outside, the equivalent of a sun hat, there will be fresh damage or internal defenses (i.e. emotional defenses, denial and physical blocks of tension). Here's an example of what I'm talking about: as soon as I pick up the phone to call the insurance company about the latest insane bill we've received, I begin to feel tension in my jaw, occiput, neck and shoulders. If I merely try to release the physical tension, I do feel somewhat better, but it doesn't really work because the core issue is that I'm scared that we will lose everything and I feel powerless. So, if I say a mantra of protection and use a mudra (hand position) for let's say confidence and clarity of expression, or for faith (which is the best antidote to fear), I'm able to bipass my rational mind, which is all over the place anyway, and get access to the unconscious level. I'm sending myself a different message from all the fear and self-doubt that is coming at it. On another, parallel, level, I'm acknowledging a higher power and a higher self that is beyond the reaches of the present moment on this plane. I'm protecting the lower self with the guardian of the higher self that is beyond the fear and doubt of the vulnerable emotional body. This is one way of looking at the power of prayer.
Yes, just like I need to heal the sunburn, bodywork, on a merely physical level, will heal wounds. However, it is also necessary to build new, healthy patterns for protecting the self from being permeated by everything, or that one nasty thing that gets right to its core. There are tools that function like a sun hat and have no nasty side-effects. When we are confident in the external protection we have, we can delve deeper into the vulnerable parts of the self and gain understanding because we are not leaving them open to attack. I'm not saying that mudra, mantra and meditation are the only tools, in the same way that there are certainly many ways of protecting oneself from getting burned. What I am saying is that it is dangerous to move in this world without some sort of tools and most of us do not learn healthy ways of protecting ourselves or releasing emotional and physical tension.
It has been incredibly helpful to find ways of dealing with my own negativity that are not punishing nor are they indulging, they are simply transmuting. We can use our own energy to beat ourselves up or to protect, uplift and connect with ourselves. Energy is energy. It's neither postive or negative. It's like money or electricity, it can be used for good or evil, destrucion or construction, in itself it is neither. I can see that the same mental energy I use to worry can be used to coax myself away from that anxiety, to create new pathways rather than running around the same ones all the time. And then when I find myself back on the old one, I can always stop for a moment and clear away the brambles to find a new path. Of course it's easier to stick to the old pathway, but it's much less fun.
Luckily, as money can make more money, energy that's used in a positive way makes more energy. Thus when it is expended in worrying and going in mental circles, it's exhausted and no one can tell what inner journeys are curtailed for want of energy.
Some other positive things: It looks like I've managed, with a great deal of help and guidance, to switch my mother to a better insurance company. That is no small feat. So far it has been better than Atlantis and I'm just waiting for one more piece of paperwork to go through to finally be done with the old. What I learned from dealing with Atlantis has certainly helped me to be able to deal with the new company and I'm now extra careful with everything. It's such a relief to find that the wheels are turning after all the huffing and puffing of last summer. Now I just need to get myself some health insurance.....
In terms of actual health, my mother was able to handle being alone for a week and no damage was done. That's the first time since a year ago. We were both happy to see each other after a week, too. One thing I've noticed is that a lot of people seem to think that I'm itching to leave, but infact that's far from the case. I've grown to appreciate my mother so much over the last year that I can't imagine leaving her and feeling happy about it. I enjoy the time we spend together and I realize that it's limited, in the same way that our time is limited with anyone and everyone we love. I've known that on an intellectual level for as long as I can remember, however now I feel the importance of getting the most out of the time we have together on this earth. Nothing else seems more important to me right now. And it's not any less fun for me than college now that there's a lull in the crisis and I have a chance to explore different things. I'm doing a different sort of learning and interacting with people in a different way. I'm not in a college dorm with a whole bunch of friends, but I have lots of interaction with people all day long. I'm not listening to lectures and writing essays, but I'm learning about the science of yoga and the intricacies of the human body as well as how to deal with numerous practical things. I'm learning just as much if not more than I was in college. I feel like I got some building blocks at Oxford, I read the Song of Songs, now I'm singing! Some people look at me with pity, but I feel no pity for myself. I'm the happiest I can remember ever being. That's not to say that things don't come up, because they do, but I feel blessed to be able to express and truly feel deep and unconditional love. The rest will come in good time. I feel privileged to have been forced to face some major challenges that have changed me so much that I can't imagine going back to my old thought patterns and beliefs. I know there will be many more challenges and chances to examine myself and the world around me. So I'm enjoying the slight lull at the moment to center myself and enjoy the pleasures of relaxation.
My mother is asleep at the moment, perhaps comforted by the rhythmic clicking of plastic keys.....
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